Journal entry #09 – Faith

“Born under a trouble sign ,Will it hurt to see me find , The long lost peace of mind

I’m going to start naming my journal entries. It’s what I used to do on Tumblr. Just wanted to get that out there for anyone that actually reads these.

So I’ve been here in California for about 3 weeks. I regularly get a psychic reading from a very trusted and talented clairvoyant. She’s been so spot on so many times, even when the things don’t exactly make sense to me immediately things tend be more clear a few weeks later. Either way , in my reading with her 3 weeks ago she said to relax, and pursue my dream again to fly. Oddly enough that was part of the reason I moved here.

My grandparents mentioned how they would be able to help financially with school. However no actions to indicate they are gonna help has happened yet. I found a cheaper school about an hour from me that I’d love to attend but I still need the money to start. I’m also continuing right now jobless.

I have been applying to a few places per day and only got one response from a Vans store in the mall near me. Hopefully (I believe it will happen) I get a job very soon. As I’m coming up on the time when all my bills are becoming due. Not to mention I didn’t have enough to cover my car insurance last month. So I’m behind there , with very little in the way to support myself , I am starting to regret leaving Shit-cago.

I do believe to change your life you will have to make decisions that feel correct and follow through. Even though in the middle of the follow through nothing is working. I just wish I could follow this advice for other areas of my life. My YouTube channel for example , I am now sitting at 400 subscribers (hooray!) but it’s not enough to even apply for advertising on the channel. Apparently also the money wouldn’t even be good because I don’t have the retention. I also have been wondering if I should change the genre of videos and start making some more videos again. I regularly seem to do this. I’ll start the project (in this case making YouTube videos) , do the work, get bored , see no results and then quit and move on. I always do this and it’s quite annoying.

I occasionally write in this journal the same way. My intention here was to try and monetize my blog but I’ve since given up on that idea. For one reason;

It’s more work than it is a love

Originally I was gonna write two reasons but in reality they are the same thing. For me to monetize this blog I’d have to actually work. I’d have to find topics to write about EVERYDAY and create articles two to three times a day. That’s way to much for me, especially when I don’t love that idea.

For me to continue doing it I’d have to actually enjoy doing it. Which I LOVE writing and getting my thoughts on paper (or in type on screen in this case) . But not when it feels forced , it would be a disservice to any potential audience I’d gather.

This is actually the reason I’ve decided to just blog and write about what things I’m doing and going through. It feels more natural and helps for my mental health. And maybe some people that read this one day will eventually start commenting and maybe one day I’ll form a community here, that would be the day right ?

Someone with no in person friends forming a community of people that actually want to be friends , just that thought is odd to me.

So in the meantime I’ll just use this blog to write and ramble. The funny thing is if I was able to ramble and create vlogs or video journal entries it be something that actually would propel me into a place that I could monetize…maybe. I am not sure how much people would enjoy a depressed dude talking about his life but who knows there’s lots of people that could relate to feeling that every thing you do is a failure.

Anyway back on-topic;

So I haven’t found work yet, still looking. The reason I moved here hasn’t taken any movement in that path other than finding the school. And I’m currently sitting here wondering how I’m gonna afford my life after this week. But even with all this I have faith that something will work out, I’ll have that opportunity arise and I’ll find my self in a better position.

Randomly last night I came across Mr.Beasts channel on YT. And he had a video posted back in October that was set to publish in 15 years. So the video was just a reminder video of Mr.Beast showing himself how many subs he had and promising himself that he would make it to a million subs, he is currently at 100 million subs.

This had me thinking how crazy life is. That you never really know where life could lead. And you never really can comprehend how successful you can truly become. Jimmy (aka mr.beast) went from 8.5k subs to 100m in fifteen years. That’s incredible. What’s more incredible is his dream was only to reach 1 million. I actually went down rabbit hole after this. I watched and read about other instances of people wanting some success in their lives and the achieving it but multiplied it by 10.

Just had me imagining how I’m sitting here today writing about I’m about to be broke again , have no job. In a new state with no friends. Regretting that I didn’t make better choices growing up but in 1, 2 ,5 or 10 years I could be famous or at a level of wealth that I never could of dreamt of. Life is truly amazing and this is why, even in my darkest moments of feeling worthless and having all this self pity I try to remember that the future is around the corner and everything can change

Have a blessed day world.

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