Journal Entry #07

Growth is an option in life. But Change is required

Well it’s been while. I have lost track of time and now I’m sitting here at my hotel room in the middle of Arizona. I’m on my way to California, going to be living with my grandma. She’s the only family I think ever truly cared about me.

My mother , well- she’s my mother. So she probably does care in some form or another but I’ve never felt that I was connected to her in anyway. As a Matt of fact for the longest time I’ve felt that my soul is with the wrong people. That the body my soul decided to choose got switched with someone else. That the family I’m supposed to be with are the people who aren’t liars or cheats.

Growing up I was sexually abused. My mother knew about it , in fact my mother’s whole side of the family (the family I grew up with) knew about it. It was from when I was about 5 or 6 years old until I was maybe 10 years old, every weekend for 5 years I was being abused. Then it happened again when I was 11 on thanksgiving day.

Your “family” is supposed to love, protect and guide you until adulthood. But in my case , that didn’t happen. I was used, abused and ignored my whole childhood. And I feel that these evil people (who had their demons that they were ignoring) just covered me in a blanket of misfortune.

In my gut I feel that my soul purpose was to serve , help and guide others. And that this path was going to lead me to great emotional and financial success. I feel that along this path ,the branching choices lead to the same outcome ,but the amount of hardship , betrayal and misuse of my trust have covered up the path. That brightness my soul exudes has been sucked dry by some demonic slime. And it has attached it self to me trying to turn me into some evil hearted , angry person.

For the past few weeks I’ve noticed something. The way I sign my initials come out looking like JH and not JWA . You might be thinking “what’s the problem? Cursive can be illegible and difficult when you write fast” . That’s believable right, but my uncles initials were “JH”. A few weeks back I also had this day dream , admittedly I was very depressed this day. Staring out the window and i began to cry. While I was crying it felt as though some kinda ooze stuck to my back. It slimey tentacles attached to my shoulders and the back of my head. And in this vision I felt like I was truly being drained by this thing.

What ever evil took over my mother’s family it’s attached to me , and I need to get some kind of cleansing done. That’s the only way I think I’ll have my light back.

This move to my grandmothers place is a big step. And for the longest time I knew I had to get away from the people in my mothers family. But I didn’t know it would truly be possible. I have the courage now to make this step. My father’s side of the family , they all know me and I don’t know them, but for some reason it feels like I’m moving towards people who actually care about me and my happiness. People that want me to succeed and truly believe in me.

It’s very hard to believe anyone could have that kind of faith and support in me when I have never had those feelings for myself until recently. Jessica says she believes in me but It’s not the same. When she says it, I kind of feel like it’s not on sturdy ground. Not that she’s lying but that she can be faltered. Maybe because we are together it feels like it’s what she’s supposed to say and not cause she genuinely believes it as much as she does for herself. However when my grandmother tells me things it’s like she’s peering into the future or something.

My life is taking a turn, and it’s positive. I am not going to lie, I am terrified. I don’t know right now what I’m doing for work , what kind of career I want to pursue while I’m here. But what’s different here than in Chicago , while I was in Chicago everything I tried felt like I was stepping on to a trap floor. Every step towards something I’d fall through the false carpet and have to climb out and try again. Here it feels that my apprehension to keep trying is there but also that I have nothing to worry about. Like the carpets on the floor are solid.

Life hates me , but soon it’s going to love me. I just have to build up the faith and momentum.

Have a blessed day world.

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