Journal Entry #06

Happy Memorial Day !

As with most Americans, holidays have become no more than just a day off of work (or a day where you get paid more) , a day to drink and get together with the family or friends. It’s basically a national cook out day. I doubt many people don’t think about our nations veterans who lost their lives to protect our freedoms. Unless of course you are in military yourself, thank you.

Today for me is a day off of work and the only day I’ll have off until the next holiday. So today I’m doing some errands. At Trader Joe’s with Jessica , she left me to go to the grocery store just downstairs to pick up some things Trader Joe’s doesn’t have. While paying I had a cashier, who was cute admittedly. But I suppose they have a job where they have to talk and be friendly. She was asking me questions trying to get me to conversation and it was probably the most awkward I’ve felt in a while. I know she meant well, I understand that it was her job but I’m pretty sure I came off as awkward. Especially if I felt awkward and I wasn’t making eye contact.

I have thought that there may be potential that I could be autistic, but then again i could just be anti social even though inside I don’t feel that way. I have an urge to be around others. I’ve probably also developed an OCD-like behavior in my day to day. I don’t really know since I’ve never been to doctor for mental health. Or for anything for that matter. I have never trusted doctors or the health field in general. I feel like there’s to many pharmaceutical companies vested in to the health care system and they only end up caring about the profits to be had. So it’s kind of difficult to trust them.

Eventually I’ll probably see someone.. sooner or later. I don’t think it’s so much a requirement but as I said in my last entry it would probably help.

This entry is short , not much to say today. It’s my day off and I feel like I haven’t really accomplished much. Well to be honest, most of my life I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. Something has been missing from my soul and I have never realized what it is. I am not sure what it is or where it is , but I do feel that step one is going to be the move to California.

My new job messed up and I didn’t get paid on time, the only upside to this is next pay check I’ll get two checks instead of one. Downside to this is my bills are all about to be late , but life seems to hate me and challenge me around EVERY SINGLE corner. I swear I have never really had a break in life. Everything has been a struggle in my life. For a few months in 2021 I had a good streak with unemployment paying me enough to pay off all my debts but after that upward trek on the path of life I soon stepped off a cliff and am back to living paycheck to paycheck. And it seems like every time something good happens to me I get kicked in the nuts immediately. This is actually the origin story of my blogs title. It has been this way majority of my life.

I get the feeling though that it’s karmic. Maybe in a previous life I did something bad or I had nothing but good times and in this consciousness I need to be treated opposite. Missing opportunities, failing to make the correct life choices , suffering all this happens for a reason. Maybe the lesson hasn’t been learned or I’m just to ignorant of it? It’s frustrating. What’s worse is knowing when some others in the world tend to have easier lives. Not saying that struggles don’t exist for others , on the contrary. It’s just others in world seem to have it a little easier.

I need something, I want something and it won’t be realized till I learn something.

Thank you to the veteran’s out there , I know your struggles with mental health is real too. Happy memorial weekend

Have a blessed day world.

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