Journal Entry #05

I have all these thoughts and things I’d like to write about while I’m driving , but then when I sit down to write it’s gone. It is rather annoying to have all these thoughts I’m trying to remove from my head , it can’t. Also is bad form to not double check what I wrote about last time , just to make sure that I don’t re-iterate what was already said.

I didn’t mention it last time , but I was let go from my sales job. I soon found another job that I absolutely hated. I was let go from that one , but that’s ok because the same day they let me go I was actually about to quit. Now I’m a Porter at a Car dealership. The plus side to this job (aside from being full time with weekly pay) is I actually enjoy it. There’s enough work to keep you busy , and enough freedom to not have me feel like I’m being judged 24/7. I also get to work outside and drive some pretty sweet cars. It’s still early on and I haven’t found to many issues with working it yet.

My problem when it comes to finding a job and keeping it has to do with a few factors. The first being the work:pay ratio.I always ask myself after the first pay check “ how much work did I put in and was my work valuable enough to warrant more money?”. As much as I am all for capitalism and entrepreneurship leading to someone’s wealth, I believe somewhere along the way society stopped valuing themselves enough to fight for their worth. With minimum wage work obviously the skills required are going to be low or – in some cases – non existent (being a janitor comes to mind , no offense to any janitors out there).

There was a time before I was born that businesses need to fight to get the employee excited about working in their establishment, somewhere along the line there was a divide and now it’s you (the employee) who has to answer that stupid interview question; “why do you want to work for us?” Or “why should we hire you?” . I’m usually pretty knowledgeable when it comes to history but this is one topic I’m not going to pretend I know about , I don’t . But it is something that I’ve noticed recently.

Other than the new job I have not much else going on. Although there was something I wanted to vent about..

I have been paying more and more attention to people (at work and elsewhere ) conversing. And I have been doing this wondering how I give more information about me in social settings. It’s like I find it very hard to relate to people, for some reason or another I don’t understand how people do this. The fact that people can just talk and be funny or just talk and tell a good story , or even just share their own experiences and keep a conversation. I am ok with being quiet, I have come to accept this part of my personality. Although, I feel as though I don’t necessarily have to be this way. That maybe I can be more open and social.

Unfortunately there are no places to teach socially awkward deviants how to be “ normal “ . The way I like to think of it is someone opens up and tells me an event or experience about themselves, in my head there’s empty space with no responses, in my heart I’m yelling at myself to give them something. Anything that I can relate. It’s like one side of me doesn’t care about anything and one side does. It honestly makes me feel pretty bad. So what I end up doing is asking them a question to keep them sharing OR repeat what they said (to affirm I am listening). I tend to repeat the thing they said also to give me a few more moments to think about what to say.

The only time I don’t feel this pressure oddly enough has been when I’ve been in a sales role where I feel like the expert and the client is coming to me for whatever I’m selling.

I think I will have to do more than hypnotherapy to help get over this. My gut says that this issue I have is a trust issue , as I’ve been emotionally hurt more times than I count , and opening up on personal level just won’t happen. The guards of my castle have fortified these walls many times over.

The only and literally only person I’ve opened up to is Jessica. But this has been years and sometimes I’m not even sure who I am or what I’m saying, there’s also been many times where I can’t even open up to her. I trust her but in some way , I don’t know why , I just close up like a clam. There is some sort of emotional block here and I would love to get to the bottom of it.

This problem that I’ve honestly had more than half my life and shut me out of so many possibilities and experiences that may have shaped my life for the better. But I can’t really tell. It’s unfortunate, when I feel like two people trapped in one body.

I have made up my mind that after I move to California and I’m alone again, I’ll need to make some efforts to actually take control of my life again. As much as I love Jessica , the strict control over myself that I had ( going to the gym twice 5 days a week, regular nightly meditation, consistent blogging , regulating my diet) it’s all gone out of the window since I’ve been with her. It wasn’t like over night , no. It happened very slowly overtime. I succumbed to the pleasure of love and love can be a very lazy woman. So aside from working on me I also want to go to therapy.

I probably do need it , I want to overcome this other me that holds back and limits who I am. I miss the old me sometimes but the new me is just an ever evolving spirit hopefully to someone one day who’s everything I need to be.

Again , I start writing and it turns to rambling and as much as I would to be as organized as other bloggers I (currently) am not. My stress levels are a little higher than usual right now with everything happening in my life. Trying to organize my thoughts more cohesively would probably put me over the edge. until next time..

Have a blessed day world!

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