Journal entry #04

You should never sacrifice what you could be for what you are”

I am at the lowest of lows now. I have -$14 in my account. I don’t get paid for a week and I some how have to make it to next Friday on no money. On top of this I can’t afford my car insurance so I’m taking a risk there as swell.

Oddly enough I am at this state and I’m working two jobs. Both are minimum wage jobs but I am essentially working everyday. I have always thought to myself if you work two jobs and commit 50-70 hours a week to work that financially I’d be ok. Clearly that isn’t the case.

There is some upside (obviously when you are at the bottom the only way is up) , I have the opportunity to move out of Chicago. This is something that I have been wanting to do since I was 14. I hate Chicago, And after I got older and started to understand the value of money and adulting I began to dislike it even more. Don’t get me wrong, the city is beautiful and has it’s perks. Everything is close by or can be attained by riding a bike or taking public transit. The women here are beautiful and it’s a melting pot of differing cultures and types of people in such a small vicinity. However it’s not the safest.

Personally speaking, I have been mugged twice by gun point. Once when I was 15 and again when I was 17. I have been checked by gang violence and my apartments growing up have been robbed more times than I can count on two hands. But that’s common place when you live in a big city. So many types of people and various personalities with various income ranges living in close proximity, it is kind of expected to be the victim of some crime. Above all of this though , the thing I hate the most, traffic!

Chicago traffic is unlike any other city ( the only big city I could think that might be worse is NY but I’ve never there) . Literally all day everyday you will encounter traffic until you get about 30 miles out of the city. From about 6am-2am Sunday until Saturday you will be gridlocked. There is holiday exemptions for traffic thought. Also the winter snow is another thing that lightens the traffic up. I absolutely despise it.

Back to my opportunity though; my grandmother in California has recently bought a new home and she has two extra rooms in the house. She has kind of invited me to live there and I (seeing the opportunity) did ask if she would be ok with me moving in. So I’ll be moving to CA. I was actually born there and I’d like to detail my upbringing in a future post when I get back to the groove of writing again. But for now that’s where I am at.

I am so worried about being poor and becoming homeless I honestly feel like I may be attracting that energy into my life and I don’t like it. But that fear is hard to rid myself of. It is also a little overwhelming at times increasing my anxieties.

I don’t know why I feel that moving out of here will be better for me but I feel that it will , this cycle of negativity that I’m always in , for some reason beyond my abilities will inevitably fade away when I move. That my opportunities for success will be increased. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be “hardship free” but I really think that those pressures of the universe will be lessened. There will definitely be some avenues that I’ll have to deal with but I just know that everything will work out.

The main thing I desperately need to tend to is my soul. I need to learn how to give myself the ability to feel positive again , and this grapple match my ego is having with my consciousness is really fatiguing me. I have realized that I have stopped meditating and working on myself from the inside, it was something I would do everyday (along with the gym). This was was something I used to do prior to being in a relationship and now that I am determined to move and I’ll be alone for a while again , I’ll be able to work on my soul. I deeply miss being connected to my unconscious mind. My selflessness and laziness has gotten the better of me. Instead of paying attention to what I need I want to spend time with partner. Instead of meditating or going within I’d rather lay around and watch television. Instead of going to the gym I’d rather relax in bed and be on my phone. The ego is really in control again and I hate it.

But that can all be changed with a little determination.

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