Alone on Christmas ?

Being lost is never a great feeling. But I have come to some realizations today binge watching Ink Master. If you don’t know what Ink Master is , it’s a reality competition where talented and not-so-talented artists compete to who’s the best tattoo artist. What I learned while watching (and going in and out of my head) was these people found that spark that they have loved and kept going , doing something that made them feel good and turned it into a career.

I have learned (and I’m positive I’m not the only one) that success comes from picking that one thing and just sticking with it relentlessly. Whether you have problems and aren’t good at first , Or whether you are talented but it’s not the most profitable thing. My issue is that I’ve pursued so many things that I have nothing to show for it. The worst part is that I am now in my 30’s and starting to pursue things that I should have when i was 18 to 25 years old.

During my late teens and until my late 20’s I had no goals to aim for , I had no aspirations , no hero’s , no mentors or coaches. I was basically just going with the flow of life and I would some how figure out a way to overcome my challenges. But right now in my life I am back to struggling. And in the past five years I’ve gone into five different career fields hoping that one of them would spark something for me. But none of them even really started. I am noticing that my impatience and the need to earn money to avoid being homeless and to be able to live a modest life , well it’s getting in the way.

Starting early is the best thing you could do. Second to that is starting today. I have started pilot school to earn my Private license but I ran out of money. Then I went into real estate and finally past my leasing exam (I begin to actually work after the new year so here’s to me being hopeful) , now I’m in school for Clinical and Sports Massage but I have to take a pause on that because my day job isn’t earning me enough money and I need to bring more opportunities to my plate. Before all of this , about 3 years ago , I started trading stocks and that was ok but nothing good enough to make it sustainable. Eventually that just lead to me learning how to invest long term. But thanks to covid that money is gone because I had to use it on bills.

So here I am. I am floating on a metaphorical life boat in the ocean. I’m wounded and bleeding with sharks following my scent. I found supplies while floating towards land way out in the distance. Will I make it to land before I bleed to death in the ocean under a burning sun? Who knows, but I know there has to be hope. There always is , and that’s where the pressure comes in. It’s extremely difficult to stay positive and try to see the bright side of everything when you aren’t sure if you can make it. It’s tough knowing that maybe you won’t make it, then what? Will you be stuck living off of someone else until they don’t want to do that anymore ? Will you be living on the streets? Will you even make it out alive ? I don’t know. The signs one part of my awareness says “you can do it josh , you always make it somehow. This won’t be any different.” Then the other side is telling you , “just give up, you’re too old to be somebody. That ship has sailed already. Just settle being a loser because no body would get value from you anyway”.

No matter how faint that negative voice is , it’s always there.

I forget which podcast it was , but the host said something to the effect of “ every man , idc who you are or what career you have. Men are driven by accomplishments. And a lost man with no accomplishments, no goals , nothing to aim for , will be depressed and lost forever “ . I think it was Jocko’s podcast , but I felt it when he said that. Because that is the way of men.

Having a goal , a coach to help you reach that goal , achieving the goal , then turning around and helping the next guy learn from your mistakes. That is cyclical ritual of manhood condensed.

Unfortunately life isn’t a video game, there is no resets or re-do’s . If you were raised by shitty parents that wouldn’t help guide you , well you are gonna be at a disadvantage (that goes for wealthy people growing up to) . You can’t hop in a time machine and change the poor choices you made. You can only keep moving forward until you die. Because like I quoted in a previous post , there’s only three certainties in existence and the last one is death.

Thank you reader for reading , I wish you happy holidays and a successful new year (incase I don’t post before then) and that your life moving forward only gets better

Have a blessed day world

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