Most of my life I have failed. I would like to think I am not alone, a lot of people try things and don’t succeed. But it’s how you decide to handle it that matters.
I’ve always chalked it up to bad luck. Trying something and failing. Or I’ve given myself to much credit for something that I previously thought to be easy. I don’t understand why I do this, it is something I am trying to figure out. The problem I have is even when I’m not failing I tend to quit. Maybe it’s my flight is stronger than my fight ? Or maybe I just lack the confidence?
During a psilocybin experience I did come to see that I am afraid of success. I am worried about the consequences and the fact that I feel like I do not deserve to be in a place that I would be happy. I found this thinking is probably why , in the past , I would put myself in poor situations. That I would rebel and justify my bad attitude, but in reality it was a subconscious effect of (most likely) my childhood trauma.
While it does take a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you are afraid of being something because you think it undeserving, I also feel like there is more, I plan on exploring this more the next time I take psilocybin but for now I can only speculate. We all know speculation with your consciousness and ego aware of your speculation can only be so effective.
QUITTING IN THE BEGINNING
Quitting and giving up has a sort of- snowball aspect to it. Where the snow ball rolls down the hill and just gets bigger and bigger.
Going as far back as I can remember I used to not be quitter or someone afraid of succeeding. Where I remember the earliest time of me giving up was when I was a kid , maybe 12 or 13. My brother and our friends all used to skateboard. Over time we progressed slowly but there was a point when my brother progressed really fast. I remember trying to learn a kick flip , however I was extremely afraid of falling and getting hurt so it took me a while to commit. My brother learned to kick flip really fast and so did our friends, a year goes by and my brother and friends all have a huge trick repertoire. But me , well I still couldn’t kick flip, it took me over 16 months to finally land my first kick flip but by this point, as happy as I was , I had already given up.
I didn’t know at the time but my brother had something I didn’t. Skill yes , but that’s what I meant. He definitely faced the same beginning challenges as I did and learned the trick but his competitive drive and will to succeed pushed him to learn and master it, it’s also what pushed him to accelerate and learn way quicker than all of us. This determination was something I lacked , and by quitting on myself one time I essentially rolled the snowball down the first hill.
Something about giving up on yourself is way worse than anything else. And the problem is when you give up on yourself once , you’re essentially telling your ego that it is ok to give up. You set yourself up for failure. And every time things get difficult or tough your ego will boot in and try to protect you , it will tell you to quit and justify every reason to throw in the towel.
GO AT YOUR OWN PACE
It took me many years to learn this. I have quit every opportunity and dream I have ever had. It honestly makes me very depressed on soul level. Like my ancestors are looking at me in dissatisfaction. But I have learned that you can always change. The first step is recognizing that you are only hurtling yourself and throwing away potential opportunities. Was I ever meant to be an amazing skater like Tony Hawk or something? Probably not. But I could have made a damn good Sergeant in the military if I didn’t quit , I could have been an amazing Automotive technician if I didn’t give up. The thing is I’ll never know, because after you give up on your opportunities the chance to return to the open window is finite.
Life is hard. They don’t teach you in school or from your parents some experiences aren’t going to be easy. You have to learn these from people who have dealt with them already. Or you can read about it from someone with some knowledge who didn’t recognize it till later. Going at your own pace and never giving up is the lesson I learned. You are going to fail and achieving perfection takes a long time. But if you quit before you have the skill and experience , you won’t ever know what opportunities could have been given to you.
Have a good day world.