This doesn’t deserve a thoughtful title

Another day of feeling down , my moods tend to ebb and flow like the ocean.

I start work at 5pm , don’t really want to go. I like that the job is easy but the pay is garbage and I don’t necessarily enjoy being there. I try to make the best of it and see the positive side but I’m always questioning myself. I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I know deep down that I’m supposed to be successful at something, I know I’m supposed to be moderately wealthy. It’s a feeling, I don’t know what that thing is though.

It’s depressing because it feels like you’re out of place .. all the time. I don’t know how many people feel like this but i can’t be the only one. For a while I thought I was supposed to be an actor or writer or model. But I’ve never acted in my life , I’m to overweight to be a model now (thanks to the lockdown and me being too distracted to work out at home), and writing is just something that I enjoy. Don’t really have an audience. My YouTube channel could earn money one day, but I don’t think I have the charisma to be one of your YouTube personalities.

I wonder how many people over the age of 30 feel totally lost. Not even depressed, just like they meant to be doing something that they currently aren’t doing. I was watching some videos on YouTube how some of these popular YouTubers got their fame or how they managed to get the break in the algorithm. Some of them seem to get really lucky and some just seem to have these serendipitous opportunities. I always feel like that could never happen for me.

Not trying to gain pity or anything, I am grateful for what I have right now. I know there is plenty of people out in the world that are worse off than myself , but who knows. They may have some talent or skill that they are crafting , I don’t even know what that thing is , that one thing I should be building upon. It is kinda like a lot of people in the self help world recommending ‘you have to find a mentor’ , well where am I going to find a mentor when I don’t have an easy time even making friends ? OR when I have social anxiety ? OR when I prefer to be alone ? Where are the skills going to perfected ?

No one is perfect , and a lot of people are depressed, so I’m sure that I can’t be alone in this. But figuring it out is annoying and life doesn’t seem to like making it easy for me.

Have a good day world

3 thoughts on “This doesn’t deserve a thoughtful title

Add yours

  1. Thanks for sharing and being open. It sounds difficult to feel that lack of direction and not enjoying your job. I relate to some of it a lot. I wonder if there are things you enjoy doing in your free time. Perhaps, you could try and do that more and, even, see if it takes you somewhere, in terms of work?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well journaling is something I enjoy. My YouTube is related to the automotive industry (also something I enjoy). They don’t necessarily make me feel like it’s that thing I am supposed to be doing. My brother for example is a big YouTuber and he found the that thing by chance. And there are those who just know. I’m not sure if the thing that I am supposed to be doing is going to be by chance or if I’ve already done it without knowing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, ok. I’m glad to hear you have the journaling and Youtube channel to as things that you enjoy. I appreciate it might not feel as your purpose or fulfillment but hope it provides you with satisfaction and an outlet. I enjoyed reading your post, so I think you provided me with some fulfillment!

    I do relate to the doubt about what one’s purpose and direction is. I think, for some, it’s clear but for some of us, it’s not so much. I have a feeling that pushing ourselves to try new things, as well as pursuing what we enjoy and value might be a way of getting there. I suppose it’s not painless or easy but I hope you can keep searching.

    Like

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