Another day of feeling down , my moods tend to ebb and flow like the ocean.
I start work at 5pm , don’t really want to go. I like that the job is easy but the pay is garbage and I don’t necessarily enjoy being there. I try to make the best of it and see the positive side but I’m always questioning myself. I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I know deep down that I’m supposed to be successful at something, I know I’m supposed to be moderately wealthy. It’s a feeling, I don’t know what that thing is though.
It’s depressing because it feels like you’re out of place .. all the time. I don’t know how many people feel like this but i can’t be the only one. For a while I thought I was supposed to be an actor or writer or model. But I’ve never acted in my life , I’m to overweight to be a model now (thanks to the lockdown and me being too distracted to work out at home), and writing is just something that I enjoy. Don’t really have an audience. My YouTube channel could earn money one day, but I don’t think I have the charisma to be one of your YouTube personalities.
I wonder how many people over the age of 30 feel totally lost. Not even depressed, just like they meant to be doing something that they currently aren’t doing. I was watching some videos on YouTube how some of these popular YouTubers got their fame or how they managed to get the break in the algorithm. Some of them seem to get really lucky and some just seem to have these serendipitous opportunities. I always feel like that could never happen for me.
Not trying to gain pity or anything, I am grateful for what I have right now. I know there is plenty of people out in the world that are worse off than myself , but who knows. They may have some talent or skill that they are crafting , I don’t even know what that thing is , that one thing I should be building upon. It is kinda like a lot of people in the self help world recommending ‘you have to find a mentor’ , well where am I going to find a mentor when I don’t have an easy time even making friends ? OR when I have social anxiety ? OR when I prefer to be alone ? Where are the skills going to perfected ?
No one is perfect , and a lot of people are depressed, so I’m sure that I can’t be alone in this. But figuring it out is annoying and life doesn’t seem to like making it easy for me.
Have a good day world