It’s very hard to write when i have all my ideas while i’m walking. I don’t know why this happens but for some reason I get a flood of ideas while going on a long walk. I was considering using this blog to write more ‘journalistic’ reviews , but I realized this was not something my heart was in. so I am probably going to just use this as more of a regular daily life blog, I may also promote my youtube channel.
I occasionally regress into a position where I feel bad about my journey on this planet. I have written about this topic before on my tumblr but it’s a feeling I get relatively frequently. I begin to feel like where I am at currently isn’t where i am supposed to be. by that I mean i should be at higher place in the economic scale of life. I am sure a lot of people feel this way , but when I feel like this I get pretty depressed and it lasts for a few days usually. I believe it all stems from my past and how i would always compare myself to others. whether that be comparing how much money I had, how my social skills were , what my body looked like etc. All this happened to me basically unconsciously , I was totally unaware that I had programmed myself to believe that I was beneath others , unworthy of attention , affection or love. Even to the point where i believed I wasn’t worthy of having friendships. Toxic relationships of my past definitely molded who I was and the persona im trying break out of.
Being depressed sucks , but it’s even worse when you are tired of feeling like crap and can’t get out of the mud. It’s like your depression has clung to you like some sort of science fiction space goop , where you pull away and it just keeps stretching and extending to your movements , never letting go. You know and I do as well , we can break free from the grip. fight it back and teach ourselves to be free.
The thing that’s weird is when I was going through my divorce I was extremely depressed , my darkest place since i was a child. For some reason though the familiarity of the sadness led to some of my best poems , my most lengthy melodramatic blog posts , and just writing that i felt genuinely proud of. its funny how the extreme sadness and loneliness could help drive the creative juices. even now , i am mildly depressed and feeling unworthy. i’m also a little worried about my future as i try to figure out who i am , but this sadness drove me to write and try to create more content for my youtube channel, it didn’t go very well but at least i tried and that’s what really counts.
At this moment i am feeling quite lost. i question my actions everytime i do something and the weird thing is i don’t really know if i have a passion. you know how you have to find a niche for a blog or even a YouTube channel? well i am at the place now where i wonder what niche i could be in. i don’t really have any passion and i have difficulty accessing my mind for all the things i have experienced. when i say i don’t have any passion , thats a half lie. i think i do have some special gift that i am unaware of and its that gift that will bring me happiness and joy. but what it is it? how do i find it ? that gift you have is the key to your wealth , health and success. the hardest part is finding it amongst the dirt and things that you are only half good at. Basically i am lost. if you end up follow my blog expect it to be random and mildly depressing , at least you’ll be able to analyze me from how i write and be able to read about my issues. Hell , maybe you the reader will be able to help me out of my rut.
That’s one thing i am aware i enjoy doing, i love to teach others and i love to see people learn from me and succeed. the problem with this is how is someone who is unsuccessful supposed to have students? I have no real skills to teach anyone yet. I am currently a student in a clinical massage school , which i have to say i don’t know if i’ll ever make it out because i don’t know how to retain all this knowledge. all the clinical level knowledge i am learning is extremely difficult , i don’t know how these nurses and doctors do it. The other thing i have alway had an interest in was real estate. And even now , i feel like that field is the field i should be in , but i am scared. i have failed the leasing exam 4 times in a row now. Currently i only have one more shot at it and if i were to fail that course again i would have to do the class again , which is another $250 that i don’t necessarily want to spend.
What i have to remind myself of is that there is always someone out there who has less than me. I am not homeless , i have car and a couple dollars in the bank ,so it helpful to remember it could always be worse. Learning to be grateful for what i have in the moment , well i have never been good at that. Not because i’m an ungrateful person but because most of my life i have focused on what i didn’t have as opposed to what i did. So i’d like to announce that i am grateful for life. It feels weird to be optimistic when you’re feeling a little depressed. its like the body wants to resist the happy feelings. but i am grateful for life, fo the ability to make this blog post , for the car i own , for my kids, my girlfriend , the dog.
As i lay here , wondering when it is going to be my turn on the pedestal of success , that thing that i am good at. that thing that i know will lead to me to my utopia. its getting closer and closer,
Have a good day world